“The more uncertain I have felt about myself, the more there has grown up in me a feeling of kinship with all things.” ~ Carl Jung
It is perfectly reasonable and most natural to not know something. Being unclear is a gift. We remain open to the unexpected. We remain open to Life.
My fulfillment does not lie in what I have learned; it does not come from what I have gained, knowledge or otherwise. Rather, my fulfillment arises from how much I get out of the way, have unlearned; how much I clear the heartache of separation keeping me from whence I came.
* * *
Fading away past stories, pain and the clutter of accumulated concepts I find myself opening further to something forgotten many moons ago.
Glimpses of clarity come in this spaciousness—a drop of wisdom from the high skies, a whisper in my inner ear. Suddenly, I remember! I feel the waking spirit moving restlessly in my bones, revealing itself to me. But then this clarity fades. The fierceness of uncertainty takes me once more, doing its necessary work, forcing my mind free of decisiveness such that I remain open to that wishing to find me next. I am pulled in deeper as I die further in the waiting arms of Mystery.
This has become a way of living—again and again, melting into the unseen, dying then remembering, and then dying once more. Bereft I am, taken apart, temporarily gone, but then awake in new light. Bit by bit I fall then rise. I weaken and am made stronger. I lesson, and in this emptiness become unfathomably more as the eternal pulse of Life rides its waves through my being, as it feels its way into my bones and cells and musculature.
I am filled, and filled again, with Life’s overflowing beneficence. I am fulfilled!
Indeed, it is a monumental challenge to live in the astounding paradox of truth and Mystery, for it leaves me in growing bewilderment and heartbreak. It blithely plucks long-held beliefs and shatters them onto the floor. It dances defiantly on the tip of my tongue and swirls devilishly in the forefront of my mind, courting me, as always, towards greater degrees of uncertainty, as Life, in its intense longing for me, in its endless desire to hold me in full, consumes who I think myself to be.
With each passing day, however, this way of living becomes more natural. I more easily rest in uncertainty, uncontrolled, dying to the wide lens of contradiction. I let myself be held and found, yet increasingly lost in a sea of wild grace that knows me far more than I can possibly know myself, a sea that forever calls me home.
* * *
“Grown men can learn from very little children, for the hearts of little children are pure. Therefore, the Great Spirit may show them many things that older people miss.” ~ Black Elk
I write this to remind us all to respect the wisdom of uncertainty, in particular, in children. Do not rush to fill their minds. Yes, teach them, but also remember to allow them ample freedom to remain joyously empty, for in this they commune with the subtle entreaties of Life. They remain available to the dreaming movements of Mystery. And they remain rooted in their twisting, turning bodies, feeling what we adults long to feel and what we unwittingly search for our entire lives.
* * *
Check out Vince’s book: Wild Empty Spaces ~ Poems for the Opening Heart