“There is a difference between being self-centred and centred in the Self.” ~ Lynda Austin
We have been trained not to ask for what we want. We will bend ourselves backwards, deny our feelings, and burn ourselves out all to avoid stating our needs. Our social conditioning, and specifically our inner Saboteur, holds us back by stating that putting ourselves first is selfish or wrong, or that we should always give to others first. And yet, we cannot give away what we don’t have. In other words, we must learn to give to ourselves first, fill our own cup so to speak, before we can feed others.
“Everything we want is on the other side of fear.” ~ Farrah Gray
Our social conditioning is based in fear. The four most common ones I see are:
- Fear of rejection – If I ask for what I want I’ll get turned down, shunned…again!
- Fear of success – If I ask for what I want, and actually get it, will I be able to handle it?
- Fear of loss – If I ask for what I want and get it, what might I have to leave behind?
- Fear of the unknown – If I ask for what I want and get it, then what? Where will I be? What else may open up?
Asking for what we want can feel vulnerable. We are creatures of habit, and we like to stay within what’s comfortable and familiar. When we ask for what we want we step out of the shadows to declare ourselves and open to the possibility of the new and unknown.
15 simple ways to express your needs and desires:
- What works for me is to go slow right now.
- I’d love to do something different, like go for a hike.
- I’d like to go camping this weekend.
- Can you repeat that?
- What I need is a bit more space, and what that looks like is…
- What resonates for me is spending time indoors.
- My body needs movement.
- My sense is I’m going to need more time than I originally said I would.
- I want to go swimming today.
- I would like to share my poem with you.
- My heart is telling me to go there instead.
- My intuition is telling me to leave.
- I need to leave early.
- Will you join me?
- Let’s go for an adventure!
Expressing your feelings before asking for what you want helps you to connect to yourself and the other person, as well as communicate the importance of your request. For instance:
- I am feeling tired. I need to leave early.
- I feel energized! Let’s go for an adventure!
- I’m feeling uncomfortable about that choice. My heart is telling me to go there instead.
Feeling words: Examples of feeling words you may find useful are ~ uncomfortable, overwhelmed, unclear, stressed, uncertain, tired, confused. These words have less of an edge than words like frustrated, angry, disrespected, and annoyed, and are less likely to cause the other person to feel defensive.
Extra Tips
Tip #1: Just like in 15 Ways to Say No, use as much first person language as you can. Using words like I, Me, My, and Mine help you access and express your truth.
Tip #2: Ask for what you want more of instead of less of. If you catch yourself saying, I want you to stop being so messy, change it to, I need more organization in our house. By doing this we express our needs/values and educate the other person on who we are and what is important to us. We are also better able to connect with the other person, and limit feelings of judgment and defensiveness.
Tip #3: Be calm ~ be aware of your energy while you are speaking. Tone is what creates the majority of the impact in conversation. So stay centred, take a deep breath if needed, and fill your words with calm, grounded energy.
Expressing your needs and desires is essential for living a balanced and fulfilled life. Take time to check in with yourself regularly. If you feel stressed or out of balance, chances are there is a need not being met that wants to be honoured.
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Healing & Activation: My invitation to you is to participate in my online healing and activation ceremonies. Drawing upon the power and mystery of Starlight and its many emanations, transformation takes place at the quantum or cellular level, creating radical changes in health and empowerment.
Check out Vince’s book: Let the Fire Burn ~ Nurturing the Creative Spirit of Children, A Children’s Book for Adults
Hello Vince,
I would like to thank you for all your writing tips, which helped me to understand more about my communication course. I liked it because these are an easy way to come over of my fears and get what I want or I need.
Thank you,
Helina
You are welcome, Helina, wish you well in your communication and life!
Thank you for posting this. I am a life coach and am going through an intense journey right now (and hope to always). Your thoughts helped me arrive at an approach that I feel will work great for me. With total flexibility, it looks something like this:
“I’m feeling _________ (optionally with ‘because _______). I would ___________ to ________________ if it’s ok.”
Example:
“I’m feeling really anxious right now with so much going on. I would love to have some of those chocolate-covered cinnamon bears if it’s ok.”
The outcome I’m looking for is that the interaction expressed my emotions and desires, builds connection, inspires compassion, honors boundaries, enables the other person to not feel manipulated (giving them an easy-in to explain any obstacles to what I’m wanting), doesn’t require or emphasize that the other person is in control of the situation, doesn’t imply that the other person of being likely to withhold (such as being surprised if they say yes), allows the other person to claim/own control if they want to, describes what my reaction will be to a positive response, and inspires an overall feeling of gratitude and connection throughout and afterward.